genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
