and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
