my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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