guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize