Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
