My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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