I met the friendliest cop last night
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
