remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
