I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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