a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
