I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
