when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
