We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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