'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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