i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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