whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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