just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize