my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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