mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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