i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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