ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
