you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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