Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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