a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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