Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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