My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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