you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
