I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize