Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
