Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
