I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
