i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
