I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
