Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
