Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
