I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize