im about as happy as oj after his trial
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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