i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
