she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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