so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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