YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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