Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
