I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
