You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
