morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
