At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
