Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
