I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
