EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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