There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
