my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
