She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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