It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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