i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
