i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
