If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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