I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
