Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
