the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize