New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
