Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
