when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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