Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
