tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
