if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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