the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
