i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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