Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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