Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
