Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
