they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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