how can u be prego again
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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