Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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